Sometime in high school, (right around
the time I started performing with American Kids) I became obsessed
with musicals. I had many favorites (one of the top ones being
Phantom of the Opera) but by far the winner in my book was Les
Miserables. I was so enamored with this musical that I checked out
the dilapidated 1000 page text from our tiny school library and
bullied my way through it. Let me tell you: that is a hard book to
push through, even as obsessed as I was with the story. There were
beautiful parts, yes, but there was also a lot of French Revolution
politics that I had no clue about, and French is not really my
language anyway, and a lot of the context was hard to understand.
But still, I made myself finish it, and as a reward for being the
first one to check out the book in decades, the librarian let me keep
it. (I still have it. Used it as a prop in a musical I was in)
As everyone is likely to do, I picked a
character I identified with. Not the love interest, of course, that
was too easy. Too pure of heart and unrealistic for me to model
after. No, no one but the tragic Queen of Unrequited Love would do,
Eponine. I lived and breathed the words of every bit and major part
she sung, but especially On My Own. It was an anthem of sorts: I
never expected to be anything but lonely anyway, and at least she had
someone to dream after, and later give her life for. What can I say,
I was a teenager, and Eponine was a self-centered teenager's tragic
heroine. All she wanted was love, and she gave everything up for
love, only to briefly glimpse it at the end. Beautiful and poetic.
There were other songs that I dearly
loved as well. The rallying notes of Enjolras and the other
revolutionaries stirred by blood, and Thernardier and Mme.
Thernardier were delightfully sinful. And of course, I Dreamed a
Dream was heart-wrenching as well, but I realize now I just never
really understood it. Intellectually, I could imagine having loved,
and lost, and regretting having your innocence stolen, but it was a
concept that was as distant to me as playing the Leading Lady. I had
never before experienced first love, childbirth, or even sex before,
and how devastatingly powerful each of these is on the heart.
Fantine's story was sad, yes, but I was convinced Eponine was the
true tragic heroine.
Tonight I watched the movie of Les
Miserable for the first time. I hadn't really listened to or thought
of this musical in 11 or 12 years. After all, I was living my own,
very real love story and there was no need to bury myself in borrowed
emotions. I went in with high hopes: I knew the downfalls of the
original musical (really, does anyone just talk in this world?
Without bursting into song?) and was prepared to just immerse myself
in the story and fall in love with it once again. Maybe even relive
a bit of my adolescence.
What happened took me by surprise. The
character of Eponine had lost almost all of her glamour. I still
indulged in singing along with On My Own, and the actress herself did
a decent job, but the part of Fantine just absolutely blew me away.
Part of it I'm sure was the talent of Anne Hathaway. I have yet to
see her fudge any role that she has taken. More than anything
though, I viewed her character through the lens of age and
experience. Now that I have children, I could feel the pain and
desperation as she gave everything she could to ensure the life of
her child. A child, that most likely drove away her first love, that
she gave up her entire life to give everything to. A child that she
loved unconditionally because she was innocent. I knew without a
doubt that I would give everything that Fantine gave and more if it
meant that my children would live one more day. No matter how much
pain she was in or how she was humiliated she was steadfast and true
and her heart was directed solely at Cosette. The sacrifice of
Fantine brought me to my knees, as it should everyone that sees it,
and it took years for me to realize this.
This tale is another medium that shows
how deeply strong and profoundly humbled one is by giving birth. You
tear off a piece of your heart and you nurture it to grow, and you
are changed forever by it. As pretty and poetic romantic love may
be, a mother's love is steadfast and unbreaking, it never gives, it
never hesitates, it never regrets. It is a mature love that is
equipped to weather the storm of life and come out on the other side.
It was a reminder that I needed to see tonight.
